Tips for Teaching the Pronouns “I” and “You”
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A mom e-mailed me this question this weekend, and I thought I’d include it here since I haven’t written about this anywhere else on the site.
“Hi Laura! I have a question for you. Gabe has recently started saying “you want…” instead of “I want…” When we model “I” for him, he will correct himself. He also doesn’t always do it, maybe 50% of the time. Do you think this could be echolalia, pronoun reversal, or just SO much therapy. For a long time when ever he would say “I want…” we would always respond with “OH, YOU want …” I read on your website that echolalia is a normal part of language development. Since Gabe has language skills that are far behind his age, would echolalia be just cropping up now? Should I just model, model, model to help resolve this? Thank you! Julie”
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Oh….. the dreaded I/you problem has reared it’s ugly head, huh? This is my take on this issue from just knowing a little bit about Gabe’s background, but keep in mind that since I haven’t seen him, this is my best guess.
It’s likely not echolalia since he doesn’t do other “echolalic” things typically associated with echolalia such as quoting previous conversations or shows he’s watched verbatim, and since he has lots of spontaneous language already.
I think he’s just trying really hard to learn how to use the pronouns “I” and “you.” Lots of children have difficulty with this, at least for a little while until they sort it all out, even kids with typically developing language, and especially children with language delays.
It is sometimes really difficult to teach this difference too, because when you’re talking to kids, you naturally refer to them as “you,” so in turn, the child begins to imitate this. A classic example that I hear constantly is when a child says to his mom, “Hold you,” when he wants to be held because of the thousands of times his mom has said to him, “Do you want me to hold you?”
The most successful thing I’ve done to teach this is by giving LOTS of visual cues with pointing as I say the word. The best way I’ve found is to play the whole “YOU do it game.” When I want a child to do something, point to the child and emphasize “you,” such as “YOU do it. No YOU. No YOU.” (I think a little clip of this was in Teach Me To Talk - The DVD), and then I point to me when I say “I.”
Sometimes say, “I, Laura, want the ………..” or “I, Laura, see the …….” I wouldn’t recommend doing the reverse for “You, Gabe” since children I’m trying to help with this who do the same thing he’s doing often seem to further link “ YOU” with their own names and think this is how they should refer to themselves.
Another game to play is to have snacks or some little thing that he will want to ask for over and over again. Involve at least 1 other “asker” besides him. The giver of the treats should say, “Who wants ….?” The other receiver should model, “I do! I do!” or “I want…..” Have the model point to her/him self to give the visual cue.
If toddlers don’t get “I” this way, I go ahead and point to my “eye” to cue them, but I’m sure lots of SLPs would hate this idea! It works though since it makes that word a little more concrete than abstract in their little minds.
I usually have the giver (the mom in therapy sessions since I am playing the kid to part model it for the child to imitate) say, “Here you go.” or “You want….” but again, I probably wouldn’t add the “you” part for him for him until he’s really mastered the “I” part, which may take a couple of weeks of consistently playing this a few times a day every day.
I have a little section about teaching pronouns on my new DVD Teach Me To Listen and Obey which should be out later this month. You may want to check this out if he’s still having difficulty learning to understand more complicated words like pronouns, verbs, descriptive words, and other 2-3 year-old language concepts.
If you think this is hard, wait until you start trying to teach “he” and “she” and “him” and “her” ……………….
Hope these ideas help! Laura
Comment by Viki on 24 October 2008:
My daughter saw a video of herself at 18 months, and when saked who that was, declared “you!” I took her pointer finger and touched it against her chest and said, “me.” Then I asked again, and pointed her finger to her chest and she answered correctly. We combined this with asking a clarifying question when she confused the pronouns. If she said “Mama, read this for you.” I’d respond with, “Who shall I read it for?” and provide the pointing cue (always with her own hand) as necessary. She quickly learned to ammend “read it for me.” For a few months she touched her hand to her chest to remind herself which word to use, until she got the hang of it.
Comment by Laura on 25 October 2008:
Viki - Thanks for sharing your idea with other moms! Laura
Comment by Grandma Linda on 2 March 2009:
My grandson (45 months) has a significant receptive/expressive speech delay and still does not answer the question, “what is your name?” He has about 200 single words and is using up to 5 word sentences occasionally, some action words and adjectives (like pretty, scary, spooky, yucky). He does respond to his name and when he sees a photo of himself he will say, “It’s Jesse.” Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed, or is this too abstract a concept for him at this time? He is receiving speech therapy through the school district 2 half hour sessions a week, but his therapist is very rigid in her agenda, has a pre-printed lotto board (with objects he could care less about i.e. VEGETABLES) and flash cards for him to match and pronounce. She is more concerned about his pronunciation and does not use his likes or interests to elicit speech. I have all your DVD’s and have researched speech delays to the point of saturation, so I am now working with him 3 times a week since my daughter has 3 children all 18 months apart and has her hands full.
Comment by Annette on 2 March 2009:
What I did for my son was have our family gather ’round. I’d ask Jake (my late talker) “What’s your name?” When he didn’t respond, I’d say, “Jake!” or Jacob. Then, I’d ask my 5 yr old daughter.. “What’s your name?” and she’d say, “Sammi!” Then I ask daddy, “What’s your name?” and he’d say, “Daddy!” etc. Then, I would ask Jake, while pointing to daddy, “What’s his name?” and Jake would answer, “Daddy!” and so on. We would cover everyone at least twice, and he got exposure to the question and was modeled the answers. He doesn’t ALWAYS answer on his own, but I know he is more familiar with the question, and gives a good try (Jakah).
I also modeled the “How old are you?” question the same way. I ask him and other family members “How old are you?” Now Jake holds up his 3 little fingers and says, “Tree!”
Model the questions and answers… it works for us!
Comment by Laura on 2 March 2009:
Linda - You’re on the right track with helping him identify himself by name in his photograph. The only other thing I’d try is working on this in play. Use puppets or a character and have that character ask everyone in the room his name. When the person says his name, then do something silly like make the character tickle, or hug, or give a big kiss or any other action you know Jesse will love. Do this with other people for several turns before asking Jesse so he can see them say their names and get “rewarded.”
The other thing you might try is giving a piece of candy/ bite of ice cream/a treat he loves to anyone who says their name. Say, “Who wants ice cream? What’s your name?” and again liberally reward that person. I’d withhold just long enough for him to try, but again, if he’s rolling around on the floor crying, you’ve gone too far. You could also have someone “whisper coach” him and say softly “Jesse” in his ear so he can imitate his name when you’re asking him the question to get the prize. This method is very effective for children who are pretty good imitators, and it does work best when it’s not the person asking the question.
Keep using the photos to work on his name too. You could also ask other people in the picture “Who’s that?” to say their own names and then ask them in a silly way, “What’s your name?” Again make it goofy and loads of fun so he’ll want to respond.
Answering “What’s your name?” is a skill near the 33-36 month level, so hang in there. It sounds like he’s under this just a bit, but he’s improving, so he will get there eventually.
Keep working with him Linda! You’re an inspiration to all of the other moms and grandmothers out there!!!! You can do it!!
Laura
Comment by Grandma Linda on 4 March 2009:
Thanks Laura for your wonderful advice. I spoke to my daughter on the phone last night and mentioned your suggestions - well - she laughed a little, called Jesse over to the phone and asked “What’s your name?” He replied quite boldly, “Captain Jesse!” She told me he has been doing this for about a month. I guess this grandma is the last to know. Jesse is MUCH more verbal at home than with me or ESPECIALLY with other adults, including his speech therapist. Is this common? My own children talked to everyone, so this is a whole new world for me and sometimes I feel like I am on a boat with no paddles. We will be using your great ideas to elicit more speech from him in the future, and I thank you again for all your efforts in helping us help our little ones find their voices.
Comment by Laura on 5 March 2009:
Linda - Glad I could help, but it looks like you didn’t need it! Laura
Comment by Annette on 6 June 2009:
Hi Laura!
I was wondering about something… lately Jake has gone back a step so to speak, and I am wondering if this is nature’s way of putting the pieces of the jigsaw together for him or a developing cognition problem.
He skipped over the phase of referring to himself by name instead of I, me, etc., when he was younger, but now he is doing it on occasion. He will say something like, “That’s Jake’s plane!” Or “This is Jake’s chair!” He still uses I, me, my appropriately the majority of the time, but has added this extra little piece of expression.
Is this a way of making-up for a missed connection since he didn’t do this at 18 mos to 2yrs like a lot of kids do? Should I be concerned, or just keep on alternating both styles of self-reference with him and hope he ‘gets it’ in the future?
We still don’t have an SLP, but are scheduled for a call back to have an evaluation through the school system in July. He has made so much progress, I want to make sure I am keeping him advancing in the proper direction.
Thanks for your expertise!
Annette & Jake
Comment by Laura on 11 June 2009:
Annette - I skipped your post quite by accident. A faithful reader of the site pointed out to me that I had not responded to you, so sorry!!!
I don’t think him using his name is anything to be concerned about since he’s using pronouns appropriately the majority of the time. He could be doing this for emphasis as in - “Back off!!! This is so clearly MINE!!”
So glad you’re getting a new eval. I always like a fresh set of eyes to see kids I’ve worked with for a while to make sure there’s nothing we’ve missed AND to confirm progress.
I also hope the surgeries went well for him. Here’s wishing you BOTH a speedy recovery!!!