Parenting Styles to Promote Intellectual Success
In Lise Eliot’s great book What’s Going on in There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life, she cited studies that uncovered the four features of parenting that most consistently relate to a child’s future intellectual and academic success. Studies were completed through extensive home observations. While these studies were conducted with parents of children without developmental issues, it stands to reason that children who are struggling would benefit from these parenting practices even more!
1. Nurturing– Children need parents who are physically affectionate and emotionally supportive. In real life this looks like parents who shower their toddlers with hugs and kisses and hold them often. It means comforting them when they are upset. Research tells us that babies thrive with physical contact because they need their parents close to them to be able to see and hear since theses skills are somewhat limited during infancy. Higher childhood IQ scores are traced back to warmth, affection, and praise during a child’s toddler and preschool years. For parents with older children this means being emotionally responsive and encouraging. One study of gifted teenagers found that parental support was the single most important characteristic that best determined if children made the most of their talents. Kids who are struggling to learn to talk need even more nurturing because they spend lots of time being frustrated. A soothing word from an empathetic parent can go a long way in making things better.
2. Responsiveness – For infants this means not only promptly responding to physical needs for food, a dry diaper, and sleep, but also responding to their intellectual needs for stimulation and interaction. Babies do cry for a variety of reasons, and boredom is one of them. You must be verbally responsive to your child for him to learn language and for him to learn to be social and interactive. It means being sensitive to your child’s unique needs and responding appropriately. It means not letting a baby cry for 10 minutes straight (or even a couple of minutes) without checking on them. It means not letting a toddler roam around the house with no direction and nothing to do. Children who come from neglectful homes sometimes stop trying to communicate (or never start) because no one has consistently responded to their attempts.
3. Involvement -As her book so bluntly states, involvement doesn’t mean driving your child around to lessons and play dates so that you can sit around and talk to other adults. It means direct, one-on-one interactions when both of you direct your attention to the same activity. Several studies found a positive correlation between children’s IQ or academic achievement and the amount of time they spent in shared activities with their parents. These studies did not state that the activity had to be “academic,” but that the child and parent both enjoyed what they were doing. Most parents think about reading books as one of these activities. This is great if your toddler wants to read, but a large percentage of kids with language delays don’t particularly like this until they are a little older. Pick an activity he likes and join in. Or pick one that you like and can adapt for him. If you’re a gardener, buy him a plastic shovel and let him dig in the dirt with you. When you’re cooking, set out pots and pans or bowls with lids for him to use. When my children were babies, I lugged them all over the house with me with whatever chore I was doing and never left them alone for more than a few minutes. By the time they were toddlers, they were used to the routine, so they followed me everywhere. You have to be in close proximity to children to teach them, and frankly, to parent them. It can’t be done any other way.
4. Demanding – While this trait may seem to contradict the earlier ones, parents who expected mature behavior and had high expectations had children with more positive outcomes. The current trend in parenting places lots of emphasis on promoting self-esteem, but sometimes at the expense of discipline and self-control. Studies show that parents who have high expectations AND are sensitive to their children’s needs have children with fewer long term behavioral problems and better academic success than those with very permissive parents or demanding parents who are not very responsive. You have to help your kid figure out how to behave, not just how not to behave. There is a fine line between “demanding” and “pressuring.” No child with a developmental issue benefits from having his parents expect behaviors that are beyond his capacity. However, I have seen many parents of children with developmental delays who have?no behavioral standards, and guess what they get a child who is out of control because that’s all he knows.
This “demanding” characteristic also seems to have a positive outcome with children who are learning how to communicate. If you expect your child to learn how to talk to you at the level he’s most able to achieve, chances are he will. I have seen a few mothers and fathers “give up” too soon. Keep expecting more.
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First, I would like to thank you for all you do for us moms who are lacking support in the autism community, and thank you for providing tons of information and resources to help our bright children. I myself benefited so much from watching your videos and reading your daily emails. I cannot stress enough how much all this information helped my toddler. Of course, getting an autism diagnosis for your child is extremely scary (she was diagnosed at 2 years old) and I was depressed and did not know what autism was, how it affected children, and how to teach children struggling with this condition. However, your videos helped me to find light in my child and now I am your biggest fan! I rewatch your videos over and over again to make sure I didn't miss anything that can help my daughter. I even purchase two books- Autism workbook and Teach me to Play. My toddler was completely non-verbal, she didn't know how to imitate, no eye contact, no pointing.. you name it she didn't have any skills and I didn't know how to teach her! And that is until I discover ed You- my toddlers (Fairy: smiling_face_with_3_hearts:)!
Now she is little sweet 2.5 years old and she says "mama" (I cried when she said that magic word), she waves bye bye or hi, she points, she gives "high 5", her joint attention is great and overall she is doing so much better! And that's all because I have been doing everything you described in your books and videos! I. My mind I always play "repetition, repetition and repetition", teaching her everything through play that she so much enjoys!!! I can write forever explaining how much I taught her through yr videos and books! And the most amazing thing is that her speech therapist is a big fan of yours as well so it worked out perfectly since we understand each other and work based on your teachings! The therapist even owns the same books I own ...I am so grateful that my toddler has such an amazing therapist; especially the one that understands autism and is ready for a real challenge! God bless you for all you do and I cannot wait for my toddler blossom.. you gave me hope and lit the light inside me. And I'm determined to work with my girl :)"
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Thank you so much for all your hard work and publishing books! Our 17-month-old toddler suddenly exploded into speaking and imitating everybody's gestures and sounds, just a week or two after we 'completed' all activities that are listed under 11 pre-linguistic skills! Your method really works!"
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I absolutely LOVE all of your workbooks, especially your Autism Workbook. Starting with Social Games has been a game changer for many of my littles with ASD and their families. It's been the best way for them to finally connect and sustain shared attention and engagement, leading to longer social interactions, through play!"
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Thank you so much for the videos you have posted on your youtube channel. They are so direct, informative, and helpful. Thank you for being a resource for me to become a better therapist."
Dianne
"Hi Laura - I just wanted to say I received my copies of the Apraxia workbooks yesterday and I LOVED workbook 1 (not ready for 2). I'm on chapter 8 and going through the questions carefully so I'm prepared to help my son. I knew it was a great book when you acknowledged the fact that sometimes therapists and doctors don't bring a positive and supportive vibe when diagnosing. I remember being terrified at the mention of apraxia and ASD by both because they had these very concerned looks and made it seem like it was a death sentence. I know now (in LARGE PART, THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR VIDEOS) that it doesn't have to be!! I see a future for him now. You SINGLE-HANDEDLY, through your books and videos have empowered me to help my son after the doctors and therapists have gone home. You've given me strategies, play ideas, plans on how to keep moving forward. I don't always do things right, but I know I'm on the right track and I love that I can reference, and re-reference your books to help me keep going. As I was reading the book, I was so proud of myself because I've used strategies from your previous books and it felt good because I could check off a lot of the skills that you discuss. So, thank you for all your previous books as well!!"
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Thank you!
Hailey
"Laura,
I love your work! I am a professor of early childhood special education and a speech language pathologist! I have worked to help children learn to communicate and I know how valuable the information you share is for both early interventionists and pediatric speech language pathologists!
Thank you for systematically organizing and explaining essential steps for young children to learn and develop. You are having a great impact on our profession, the ECE profession and families!"
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David
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If this is Laura herself reading this email let me take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you have put forth for us professionals. I own every manual (except the autism manual) and have watched every course on DVD. I have listened to countless podcasts. All of what I’ve come to be as an Early Intervention speech therapist was absolutely to your credit. With your resources at my side I have never needed to scramble for answers and strategies and above all the clear language I use when communicating with parents. My fun, animated affect and key phrases I use have been learned through watching your example. So….thank you! May you be blessed."
Chaya
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Lauren
"Dear Laura,
What an inspiration!
Thank you for helping me be a better Developmental Therapist. I often listen to your podcasts which help me help families.
Your enthusiasm, professionalism and
the sheer volume of information is so great.
You are part of my team.
I just wanted you to know I appreciate you."
Margaret
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Thank you for your generosity in sharing so much knowledge in such a clear and enthusiastic way.
As a retired audiologist with a fabulous and language delayed grandson, I used your podcasts and outstanding publication, The Autism Workbook, to inspire and guide me over the past year.
It works!! He went from barely verbal, no gestures, didn't respond to his name etc etc to a verbal, social, curious, ready to imitate anything, fill in the blanks on familiar "set" speech, generate his own totally appropriate and mostly understandable sentences...not just short phrases anymore... full little paragraphs...about imaginary things, what he did during the day, what he wants. True communication!
You make a powerful difference in this world! ❤"
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Sheila, Canada
"I purchased the book on autism and have watched the #400s series podcasts. Laura Mize has been more effective in teaching autistic tendencies, than many professors, shadowing professions, and the 100s of books, articles and classes or videos, or live workshop speakers, have been at teaching effective practices for a child with ASD. Some of the many lessons she has taught, which I will now use, to be a more effective Interventionist, include but are not limited to: red flags, typical behaviors, self-stimulating behaviors, not taking away toys, rather showing child to play with toy appropriately. She gives examples of child's actions, "inappropriate," explains the reason for: why the child is engaging in these behaviors and how they can be replaced with more appropriate, effective fuctional and age-appropriate skills."
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I received your book (The Autism Workbook) yesterday and it is absolutely amazing! As I evaluate young children (0-3) for developmental delays and write plans for them with their parents, there are a ton of ideas that are ready to use. Others that reinforce what I have been doing, and saying, all along. Thank you so, so much for writing this incredible book and pulling everything together in one place!"
FRANCINE IN MICHIGAN
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I’m a parent who bought the autism workbook and it’s the only clear resource I found to make a change in my son. I’m really thankful to Ms. Laura for helping out people like us all over the world."
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Girl…my son is 3 years old, and he NEVER asks for something using words. We were playing “Get Your Belly” (from Teach Me to Play WITH You), and after several times, he laughed and screamed "BEWIEEE!!!" It was a hoot. And I can't believe he said it! I have played with him like this before, but this time I took your advice and acted CRAZY!! I will act like a total lunatic if it will get him to talk to me! Now I can give him "the look" from across the room, and he will say it. That manual is so amazingly practical, and it is a GODSEND right now! Thank you SO MUCH!”
"I wanted to send you a quick email to say thank you. I started watching your videos/podcasts about 4 months ago. My son has gone from losing words he previously used, only having about 7 words at his 2 year check up in August (assessed at a blended 10 month language level) -- to now having so many words, increased social engagement, following commands, spontaneously requesting things, and naming letters & numbers (not in order) as well as colors. We had our monthly meeting with our SLP through the state infants & toddlers program and it felt like we were just bragging the whole time, but I knew in the back of my head it was because I have been using strategies you taught me.
We still have so much work to do with our sweet boy, but I know in my heart he would not have succeeded without the education you provided. I will continue to read your emails & watch videos as we go along this journey and face challenges, but credit is due to you, Laura.
Thank you so much, endlessly."
KATIE
"I just want to tell how fortunate I feel to have found your website and you!! I became a special instructor in EI almost a year ago and I started with hardly any applicable training. I felt so lost and confused as how to help the kids I work with learn how to use words and play. Honestly, I didn't even understand the importance of play, although I always played with my kids. But, once I started to watch your podcasts and get some of your manuals I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that I could finally teach these kids and their families something of value from a real therapist and based on research!. Thank you so much for seeing the need to help other EI service providers and providing a forum to share your knowledge and years of valuable experience. I'm sure you get a lot of these emails every week if not every day, but I wanted to make I could add to those notes of gratitude!! THANK YOU again!!"
SS
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REBECCA
"I was very frustrated with how speech therapy was going for my child. I would take him and drop him off and not hear much of anything from his therapist and teachers other than, "He had a good (or a bad!) day." Your materials were invaluable for us because I learned how to work with him on his speech. I learned how to teach him to talk and play. I learned how to pay attention to his cues and work with him to teach him to communicate. Without it, I have no doubt he still wouldn’t talk."
BRITNEY
"Hi! I just wanted to say (from an SLT perspective) how incredibly useful I am finding absolutely all of your articles, blogs and resources - I only discovered your site last month and have just received all your books which I feel I am learning more than on my entire university training course!! But also the way in which you give specific, realistic, fun, encouraging ideas for working with parents is really just fantastic, I only wish I have your site sooner! Thanks so much from the UK! Kind regards."
HANNAH
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ALLISON
"You are an inspiration! I am truly grateful for the way you put into words and writing how to do what we do as SLPs. At this time in my 13 years of practicing, I find your encouragement keeps me going. As a single mom, I find it a stretch to buy materials these days and I am so thankful for the freebies you so generously share that help me teach my families. I don’t have much time to put together lists or quick references for parents!! Much gratitude!!"
ANDREA
Laura thank you so much. Btw, you have transformed my therapy- I have become such a competent and strong therapist after watching probably like 350 of your videos and podcasts over the past few years. And I am a seasoned therapist with almost 25 years experience. (Yes prob 350 episodes ha!) But there was still a lot I learned from you. I have such a thorough understanding of birth to 3 development and how to properly incorporate appropriate therapeutic goals, techniques and strategies now, thanks to you. Kelly
Hi Laura,I want to thank you so much for the resources you provide, my daughter has delayed speech and though she qualifies for CDS. Honestly the most progress she has made in her speech/language development has been after I implemented your 5 top strategies for delayed talkers! She is now almost 2.5 and her vocabulary is well over 75 (I haven’t counted recently, could be over 100) words when at 2 she barely had four words. Honestly the last few months have been a transformation for her.
Ann
